Self Sabotage and Self Care - What's the Difference?

"Some days, I just want to turn off completely. Forget about everything—skip the responsibilities, play video games or binge-watch something mindless and eat whatever I feel like. I don’t want to talk to anyone. It’s my ‘I’ve had enough’ day"

Can you relate?

There are moments when everything feels overwhelming. Work stress, relationship or family struggles, financial pressures—it all adds up. And in those moments, we just want to throw in the towel, disconnect from the world, and restart.

But here's the thing: escaping isn’t always an option, and so we turn to what we think is “self-care.” We’ve all read the articles or seen the influencers promoting their version of it. But the question remains: what really counts as self-care?

Defining Real Self-Care

The term "self-care" has exploded in popularity, especially with the rise of mental health awareness in recent years. But let’s be clear: true self-care is more than just a bubble bath or a spa day, some retail therapy or something superficial. It’s not about quick fixes or temporary distractions.

True self-care is the practice of intentionally making choices that help you show up as the person you want to be—physically, mentally, and emotionally. It’s the everyday actions that align with your long-term well-being.

Self-care isn’t always glamorous or fun. It’s not about aesthetics or feeling good for a moment—it’s about creating lasting health and balance. Sometimes, self-care is about the hard stuff: confronting your fears, facing your weaknesses, and accepting the parts of you that you’ve been avoiding.

Think of self-care as a wide umbrella. Under that umbrella are a variety of actions that contribute to your overall health and well-being. Let’s break them down:

1. Basic Maintenance

This is the foundation of self-care—things you need to do to function at a basic level. These activities are often so routine that we forget to even label them as self-care. But they are essential. It’s the basics that keep us alive and functioning: eating, drinking water, getting enough sleep, moving our bodies, and taking the necessary medications or supplements.

These aren’t optional—they’re non-negotiable. And while you might think of a long shower or a healthy smoothie as an act of self-care, these basic maintenance activities should be seen as just that: maintenance. These are the things you do to stay physically well, just like brushing your teeth or getting a good night’s sleep. If you’re skipping them or letting them slide, it’s time to reevaluate.

Self-maintenance doesn’t always feel glamorous, but it’s the foundation for everything else. Ask yourself: Are you sleeping enough? Drinking enough water? Eating nourishing foods? Taking the time to get some fresh air or a bit of sunshine, maybe some mental reflection?8 These are the small acts of care that prevent burnout and keep you healthy in the long run.

2. Indulgence and Pleasure

Self-indulgence is when you allow yourself a treat—something extra that brings you joy and pleasure. It could be a piece of chocolate after a stressful meeting, a glass of wine after a tough day, or that extra episode of your favorite show when you’re feeling wiped out.

There’s nothing wrong with indulging. In fact, self-indulgence can boost your mood and provide a sense of accomplishment after a long, challenging day. But here's the thing: this is a supplement, not the entire solution. It’s important to find balance. Indulgence is good in moderation, but it doesn’t replace the basics—like getting enough sleep, eating well, or managing stress.

Pleasure helps recharge our batteries, but it’s not a permanent fix. Treat yourself when you need it, but remember that true self-care doesn’t rely on fleeting pleasures to feel better. It's about creating balance and nurturing your well-being consistently.

3. Soothing and Emotional Regulation

Self-soothing is a key component of self-care, especially when you’re dealing with stress or overwhelming emotions. When life hits hard, we often turn to soothing behaviors to bring ourselves back to equilibrium. This could be taking a mental health day, meditating, doing yoga, calling a friend, or engaging in deep breathing exercises. These activities help bring your nervous system back into balance and help you deal with negative emotions in healthy ways.

However, self-soothing isn’t always about escaping discomfort - It’s about managing it. It’s about giving yourself the space to feel your feelings, acknowledging them, and allowing them to pass without letting them take over. Stress-eating, avoiding work, or scrolling through social media for hours can seem like soothing, but in reality, they’re often distractions that don’t solve the underlying issue.

True self-soothing is about being gentle with yourself while also facing what’s uncomfortable. It’s about providing comfort and care for your emotional state, without using unhealthy habits as a crutch.

The Danger Zone: When Self-Care Becomes Self-Sabotage

Now, here’s where it gets tricky. Even the best intentions can slip into self-sabotage if we’re not mindful. Sometimes, the very actions we think are helping us can actually be holding us back.

Self-sabotage often comes from the desire to escape discomfort, and it shows up in ways that can be easy to overlook. It’s not always about doing something harmful—it’s about doing something in excess or at the wrong time. 

Here are a few examples of self sabotage:

1. Numbing Your Emotions

Sometimes, we just want to shut down emotionally. We want to numb ourselves from the pain, stress, or anxiety we’re feeling so we reach for the things that make us feel better in the moment: overeating, excessive drinking, social media scrolling, or even binge-watching TV shows to avoid dealing with our emotions.

The problem with numbing is that it doesn’t actually address the root cause of our stress. It’s a temporary distraction that only prolongs our suffering. True self-care requires us to face what’s bothering—not temporarily escape it.

2. Procrastination and Avoidance

It’s easy to fall into the trap of procrastination under the guise of self-care. “I’m too tired to work on that project today. I’ll just relax and do it tomorrow.” While taking a break is important, procrastinating too much can lead to increased stress, missed deadlines, and feelings of guilt.

Self-care isn’t about avoiding the work—it’s about knowing when to step away and when to buckle down. It’s about taking a break to recharge, then coming back to the task at hand with a clear mind. But if procrastination becomes a habit, it can derail your productivity and create more anxiety in the long run.

3. Overcommitting and Burnout

It’s easy to get excited about setting big goals and pushing ourselves to the limit. But overcommitting can quickly backfire. Whether it’s signing up for too many fitness challenges, taking on too many responsibilities at work, or scheduling every minute of your day, overcommitment often leads to burnout.

If you find yourself constantly saying yes to everything, it might be time to reassess your priorities. Self-care involves knowing your limits and setting boundaries. It’s about choosing quality over quantity and giving yourself permission to say no.

4. The Work-Rest Imbalance

Work hard, rest hard. That’s the idea, right? But what happens when you push yourself too hard at work, skip rest to “catch up,” and then feel guilty when you finally take a break? The work-rest imbalance is one of the most common pitfalls of modern life.

Burnout doesn’t happen overnight—it’s a slow buildup of stress and neglect. If you’re giving 150% at work and ignoring your personal needs, it’s only a matter of time before you hit a wall. True self-care requires finding balance between productivity and rest. Both are necessary for sustainable success.

5. Creating Chaos Where There Is None

This one is tricky. Some people thrive on drama or create chaos in relationships, work, or even their own minds because they’re not comfortable with peace or stability or because of a traumatic up bringing. When things are calm, they might feel suspicious or restless, wondering when the next crisis will com, like things are just too good to be true.

If this sounds familiar, it could be a sign that you’re not allowing yourself to truly relax and be present. Self-care means letting go of the need for constant excitement or worry and learning to enjoy peace without looking for problems to solve.

The Fine Line: How to Prevent Self-Sabotage

So, how do you avoid crossing the line from self-care into self-sabotage? It all comes down to awareness. Be mindful of your motivations and intentions. Ask yourself:

• What am I hoping to achieve with this action?

• Is this behavior actually helping me, or am I using it to escape something I’m avoiding?

• Will this decision help me feel better in the long run, or just give me temporary relief?

• Am I acting out of habit, or am I making a conscious choice that supports my well-being?

• Is this something my future self will thank me for—or will I regret it later?

  
  

The more you pause and check in with yourself, the clearer the line will become between self-care and self-sabotage.

Final Thoughts

Self-care doesn’t have to be a complicated concept. It’s simply about being aware of your needs and making choices that support your mental, emotional, and physical health. Yes, it involves taking care of yourself when you’re feeling worn out, but it also means facing the tough stuff head-on. With awareness, mindfulness, and balance, you can practice self-care that nurtures